Ramblings on a bus to Boston. [31 Oct 2011|11:56pm] [ mood | awkward ] I got on the bus in New York at 8:00 and will be in Boston in about an hour. The man working at the bus stop asked me if I wanted to go home. I was sitting on top of my suitcase with my hood up and my hair tucked into my jacket and my cell phone in my hand and looked up, confused. He yelled to everyone in line that I didn't want to go back home because I was still sitting down. Funny, since I don't live in Boston or New York or anywhere at the moment. I have wonderful friends who are taking wonderful care of me. I am a lucky person. I ran into a professor outside of Para Coffee a few weeks ago, who warned me how much he regretted spending the months he had after graduation stressing about finding a job. A job will come - if not, there's always grad school. I had my first interview today, at a small firm near Herald Square. I ran into a friend of mine when I was sitting in Pax Whole Foods on 9th Avenue, drinking a lemonade and trying to ease my nerves. She was interviewing with the same firm after me. Of course I know that she lives in New York, and being a post-grad like myself, maybe it's not that ironic, but it's still a funny reminder what a small world it really is. The bus from DC to New York was wonderful, but this trip has been bumpy and long and my head feels foggy like it did after my flight from Pu Dong to Heathrow last summer. It's this strange tired-but-not-tired, disoriented and dehydrated feeling that I always associate with airplanes now. If this double decker bus didn't violently shake so often, maybe I wouldn't have a headache and maybe I would be asleep right now instead of sitting cross the seats with my feet sticking out into the aisle, typing out whatever comes to mind. I don't know why I insist on trying to lean against the window when I know in another five or ten mintues the bus will shake and I'll scoff about the situation to no one in particular - there are easily twenty empty seats all around me. At least all of the space between me and the other handful of people on the bus tonight lets me listen to music out loud and no one complains. I'm excited to see Boston. I've never been there before. post comment

Pointless [15 May 2009|01:23am] I'm home. It's different and yet the same, as always. I was talking to Evan earlier and he laughed, saying how funny it was that our lives are so different when we're home. It's true really, but on the other hand I think that our lives go back to being the same, away from Charlottesville and the 'squad' and blurry nights and hazy mornings. I still do ridiculous things that I really... really shouldn't. As does everyone, I suppose. Anyway, the point that I'm pointlessly making is that here I am at home, things being the same as they always are. I haven't seen much of Lauren, Mom questions my going out the same way she did in high school, Kara convinces me to spend nights in Salisbury and I end up getting lunch with Lizzy at El Maguey, which leads to her convincing me to spend a night partying with her and Brian and the inevitable BJ, always there sitting on the couch or in the backseat of the Buick. Same jokes, same back roads, same cigarettes. There's nothing wrong with that though, I think. I'm exhausted and I think I'll go to bed. I should walk Beckham, but I'm terrified to go outside. It's so dark and so windy and so quiet. Creeps me out. This post was completely and utterly pointless, as well as not making much sense at all. post comment

[06 May 2009|11:07pm] I stayed in tonight, curled up on my bed with the windows open watching old movies. Love in the Afternoon. Casablanca. I love thunderstorms. I think I'm going to reread A Farewell To Arms this week. post comment

Open windows. [27 Apr 2009|10:10pm] [ mood | restless ] I cannot stay focused at all. My hair is to my waist now, and a complete mess. I should probably cut it sometime soon. Finals are this week. I have my final review for my architecture class Friday. Last class is tomorrow though, and after next week I'll be done until studio classes start up in June. My head hurts. I'm in love with all the Nova kids. And by Nova kids, I am generalizing everyone I spend my weekends with as being from Nova. Which, more than likely, they are. Bar hopping, group art. Waking up at 2 in the afternoon to pile in a car and get "breakfast." This summer will be fun I think. post comment

Quiet [23 Apr 2009|03:18am] I'm rearranging. Things will be simpler, more direct. Things will change. post comment

I'm not sure. [07 Apr 2009|11:44pm] [ mood | weird ] I've been home sick all day, coughing, with a fever, sleeping and eating much too much food. I feel completely drained. My head hurts and I have so many projects I should be working on, but I can't seem to get myself motivated. I bought Death Cab's Open Door EP on iTunes today. I Was Once a Loyal Lover is probably my favorite, and a song I can really identify with right now. I feel like a mess, but it's okay and I'm going to get everything figured out. I am. I will. I feel like I have a lot to say, but I can't really find the words right now. You don't even know how many times I told myself "I told you so." post comment

[03 Mar 2009|12:55am] I have spent my entire spring break indoors in a pair of baggy gray sweatpants and various wife-beaters, playing Halo, watching movies, drinking coffee, wine, and champagne. Overall a nice break from the real world, but I'd much rather be on a beach, sunny, maybe 88 degrees? I'd much rather be driving with the windows down. I'm much rather be. productive. doing something that matters. We'll see what happens towards the end of the week, maybe. post comment

Fail. [09 Feb 2009|10:46pm] [ mood | dorky ] This year so far has been kind of ridiculous. So many blurry nights and waking up to hazy afternoons. It's been so warm the past few days; I love it. I'm outside whenever possible. I spent Sunday afternoon in the art museum sketching Picasso and Matisse paintings; my architecture class seems more like an art class right now, but I really enjoy it. I'm listening to Wilco, and attempting to begin a paper on Socrates. The end. 1 comment|post comment

Ow. [22 Jan 2009|01:06am] [ mood | sore ] The bump on my head is now a bruise and all the Advil in the world has not gotten rid of this headache. Blah. post comment

Tired. [08 Jan 2009|11:58pm] [ mood | weird ] I like the view through my bedroom window. The leaves all have fallen and I can see lights across the hill next to the apartment complex and in between. The candles along the windowsill are flickering. I like my bedroom being a bedroom, and since Frances has moved in I actually use this room now. It's nice. I wanted to write something, but I'm not quite sure what and when I glanced over towards Beckham laying on my twin mattress that sits underneath my bedroom window I couldn't help but notice the lights in the distance. On the more frustrating side, Beckham is destroying everything in the apartment as usual, and has ripped three of my patio door blinds in half. Sigh. post comment

2009 [02 Jan 2009|09:00am] [ mood | content ] So this is the new year. And I surprisingly feel different. With a quiet countdown to midnight spoken just under our breaths, and a hug and a kiss on the cheek from Lizzy, thus began the new year. Having been living on Lizzy's couch for the past three days, I'm currently and somewhat ironically sitting on my own couch again. Beckham's chin is resting on my shoulder as he stretches out across the back of the couch underneath the window. I've lost one of my contacts, so everything is even hazier than it normally would be. I can see the screen more clearly if I squeeze my right eye shut. And honestly? I have no resolutions. I plan on buying nail polish and a phone charger today. Happy New Year. Cheers to this one being better than the one before. Instincts are misleading; you shouldn't think what you're feeling. post comment

Ho ho ho. [25 Dec 2008|11:06pm] [ mood | good ] Merry Christmas. I'm sitting on the couch with Lauren and Katie. We're watching Supernatural and eating too many cookies. Or, in Lauren's case, deviled eggs. Perhaps to go along with the theme of the television show? (haa.) Today was surprisingly.. amazing. My ipod ended up being on shuffle throughout dinner and though watching The Christmas Story was almost absolutely necessary, we've been watching different shows on DVD. No matter, it really felt like Christmas, so that was pretty cool. Merry Christmas. I'm looking forward to New Year's, really. Richmond or Norfolk or Salisbury or... where ever the night takes us. I said in an earlier post that nothing really changes during that last ten second countdown to midnight, but I'm starting to feel like it will. Here's hoping, I suppose. I've been instructed by Lauren to pay special attention to this episode. Curious as to why Lauren and Katie are obsessed? This isn't a very festive post for it being Christmas and everything. Perhaps I'll make up for it later. Not that it really matters to anyone but me, anyways. One last Merry Christmas, darling. Happy New Year, too. 1 comment|post comment

Happy Christmas. [24 Dec 2008|06:18pm] [ mood | festive ] It's Christmas eve. I'm curled up in the dining room chair as everyone on the couch nearby is exchanging gifts. The tablecloth is red and littered with pieces of holly and berries I brought inside for our dinner party last night. Last night which was a pleasant blur of laughing and dancing, clinking red wine glasses and sharing raspberry truffles and pepperoni pizza. Just the right amount of dizziness and spinning to make the house full and loud, but as per my New Year's resolution, the night is not scattered with empty bits and pieces of memory. It's all quite clear through that... festive haze of merlot, reisling, and chocolates. Merry Christmas eve. I have to say I feel a lot better about the holidays now that I'm home and every room has a Christmas tree in it. I missed the fam. I'm looking forward to Lauren waking me up at the crack of dawn as is tradition since before I can remember. It's so warm outside. I think this calls for a late night drive tonight. Is Royal Farms open on Christmas eve? Either way. A long drive on Christmas eve, with the lights on the houses and the music turned up loud and the windows down a bit sounds absolutely perfect right now. New Year's may be spent in Richmond. Standing on Carey Street for the countdown to midnight. Only when I think about how all year long I romanticize the holiday season, with the twinkling lights, the cups of hot chocolate, the cold weather and champagne, do I feel sad. So ho hum on all that shit. I'm going to go fill up a Christmasy mug with some icecream and watch Mama-Mia with all the girls. I need my battery-charger, I'd really like to take some photos. Cheers. Merry Christmas, darling. post comment

Bah humbug. [17 Dec 2008|12:12pm] [ mood | listless ] I really hoped that it wouldn't bother me this much. Usually I don't care. Usually I can just shrug my shoulders and let whatever happen just happen. I'd really very much like to be able to do that right now. I don't like feeling so vulnerable. So there I was, standing in the Shell station next to my apartment complex, trying to find something Christmas-y to snack on. Cookies maybe? Candy? One of those "traditional" bottles of Coca-Cola with the Santa Claus on the label? None of it at all seemed appealing and I felt kind of like an idiot for thinking that some gas-station junk food was going to make today seem more... festive. I left with a box of Mentos and a bottle of water. I'm really frustrating myself with how easily these days I feel so insecure and absent. My hair is so long now, it's a mess. The floor of my apartment is littered with piles of papers and stacks of notebooks and clothes just scattered absolutely everywhere. I feel like everything has just been a blur of classes and cans of PBR and bottles of wine and late nights partying or late nights writing last minute essays, the squeak the lock on my apartment door makes when I turn the key. There are empty plastic bottles everywhere because for some silly reason I feel like if I could just get all these water bottles and empty gallon containers to a recycling center I'll be saving the world. Really I've had a great time the few months I've been in Charlottesville. I should quit complaining, but I feel like... a lot is missing. Family traditions have been long gone and every year it feel less and less like that.. special.. magical whatever that the holidays are supposed to feel like. I miss having something constant, you know? Nothing is really consistent or reliable anymore. I feel like everything in my life is uncertain; sometimes I like that feeling but right now I very much do not. I really have made some amazing memories and met some really great people, but I still feel ... weird. I hope this changes. 2 comments|post comment

[15 Dec 2008|12:30am] [ mood | uncomfortable ] People are weird. and disappointing. My apartment is a wreck and I have a headache. post comment

A lot of rambling about everything and nothing. [11 Dec 2008|09:19pm] [ mood | weird ] I feel absolutely detached from everything right now. I have hardly put forth any effort to study for final exams, as much as I had thought I would and as much as I wanted to care I just haven't. It's raining. My apartment is cold. I feel like I've lost contact with a lot of people and I feel like.. gahh I can't explain. I feel like everything is really unfamiliar. Someone asked me when I was going home the other day and I replied, I am home now? I don't feel like the Eastern Shore is my home. I don't feel like it's December. I don't feel like Christmas is only two weeks away. I don't feel like it's almost a new year, I really don't want it to be. I want things to be noticably different when everyone and everything starts over on January 1st. Nothing really starts over though, does it? I suppose in comparison to where I was this time last year, things are completely, completely, completely different. I suppose that it is because the process takes longer than a ten second countdown to midnight that I just don't recognize it. Everything feels so weird. Social networking sites are freaking me out. I feel so fake and I feel like everyone looks fake. This little fake reality where people think they can sum themselves up in an "About Me" or by making a list of their interests and I very much want to delete everything, but that would result in me losing contact with almost everyone. Kind of sad isn't it? Sometimes I take a look at those stupid webpages and feel satisfied that it sufficiently explains who I am or gives a good impression of who I think I am, which is absolutely terrible and always completely wrong. All these weird, distant apathetic feelings are keeping me stuck thinking about the past, and past moments I value as "real" and I'm just sitting here pining away for that feeling again. Sitting on the beach at night, curled up in a hammock, driving with the windows down, the frost crunching under our feet as we stumble through backyards, sharing coffee and cigarettes, dancing in the living room, staring up at the stars and zero bars and bonfires and blue sheets and acoustic guitars and ice hockey games and concerts and countless other little things that I never want to forget about. Uhmm. Yeah. I actually feel a little bit better now, thanks. Maybe it's that I feel so overwhelmed by things that I feel empty. Does that make sense? I very much need to drive somewhere, drive somewhere very far, very fast. I don't want to feel so numb. I want something to feel real. post comment

[09 Dec 2008|01:14pm] I fell asleep somewhere around 4 this morning, curled up in a ball on the loveseat in my living room watching Lost in Translation. I absolutely love this movie, and when I woke up this morning I made a pot of coffee and hit play again. post comment

I'll keep my resolutions to myself this time. [04 Dec 2008|01:25am] [ mood | indescribable ] I can't concentrate on anything. It's probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Between classes today I came home to curl up on my bed for an hour; my head was spinning. I've got so many things to do and I can't stay focused on any of them. Worst timing. I only have two more days of class, one paper and a few exams and then the semester is over. It's really not too bad when you think about it, but all I want more than anything is to not have any deadlines or responsibilities looming over me and to just be able to breathe and think. Maybe then my head won't feel so jumbled with about a million things running through it. My mind keeps racing and it takes me so long to fall asleep. Blegh. It's like this week has been a blur and I quite literally have gotten nothing accomplished. Can I please just say in bed all day and not worry about anythingg? If only everything happened as I had pictured in my mind. I suppose that wouldn't be any fun though, would it? The battery in my cell phone is dead and all I have is a car charger, and.. well, obviously no car. Beckham is on the shore with Mom and Lauren, either being absolutely adorable or a pain in the ass. I'm hoping it's more of the first than the second, but you never know. It's too quiet and I'm too far away from everyonne. Frances is moving in to this extra room in my apartment in about two weeks. I can't wait, maybe then I won't feel so alone. I kind of can't wait until January, and a New Year. And resolutions that everyone makes and never keeps, and each year they think will be different and that scrawling this year's resolutions on a piece of paper and putting it on their refridgerators will help them remember. Though I'm going to keep that same mindset and tell myself that next year will be different. And I will probably write out resolutions on a scrap of paper and stuff it somewhere between those black and white photos and pages from magazines on my refrigerator door. Annd, I probably will throw that same scrap of paper away a week later. Oh well. I'm still looking forward to it and still expecting that after everyone counts down to midnight things will change for the better. I'm going to stay hopeful. And keep my friends close. And keep listening to Iron & Wine. And hope that all this rambling has cleared my mind enough to write one more page before I fall asleep. 1 comment|post comment

The Jeep. [03 Dec 2008|12:06am] [ mood | stupid ] Because I have nothing better to do, apparently, when papers are due in a matter of days and final exams are next week. post comment

Me being a dork. [02 Dec 2008|08:28pm] [ mood | lazy ] ______________________________________________________________________ When I got home at the beginning of Thanksgiving break, my Jeep was no longer in the driveway. I suppose there was just too much wrong with it that it would have been a waste of money repairing anything. Waking up early that Saturday morning, driving up and down Seaside Road alone learning how to shift in to first gear without stalling. Putting all the windows down and turning the music up. So many cigarettes and cups of coffee, sand and salt and muddy shoes. Tracing hearts and lyrics and stupid faces on foggy windows, and that four-leaf clover that hung from the rear-view mirror. Remember that time driving down Route 13 and the brakes stopped working? Or when on the way to this past summer's Dave Matthews concert the front tire caught on fire? We put it out with cups of water from Wendy's. Here's to you, Jeep. I lurv you. 2 comments|post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]